I feel like I’m on a never ending emotional rollercoaster. The worst part is I feel like I can’t really talk about it here or with anyone. I feel like no one understands what I’m feeling and if I try to explain it, it’ll just be used against me.

I know Joe and his family are reading my blog. I’ve seen them here countless times and they have made negative comments about it to Hailey’s lawyer who in turn has charged us for reading my blogs. I get why she’s charging… but it’s incredibly frustrating that I’m basically being charged for writing my thoughts.

I’m in such a bad place right now. Charlie asked me this morning if I was excited to get to see Hailey. Of course I am. That will never change. But there is also this tiny part of me that’s in excruciating agony because I know every other Saturday just starts the painful mourning cycle all over again. I’m finding it harder and harder to enjoy my time with her because I know I have to bring her right back. I have to remind myself to stay on the positive side of things although I find it to be so difficult these days.

My heart is hurting today worse than ever. I mean that both figuratively and literally. That made me realize… I’m dieing of a broken heart. This custody battle has taken such a toll on me that it’s affected my health and literally caused my heart to break. One can only mask the pain for so long. Fake smiles are meant to be temporary. I put on mine all too often to get through the time without Hailey until I can pull out my real smile once again.

Charlie repeatedly tells me that he knows of how strong my bond is with Hailey and that no one can ever break it. I try to remember that and remind myself when I feel like I’m forgetting. Hailey’s not forgotten which still amazes me. She’s truly an inspiration. I just hope that I never let her down.