I haven’t blogged in a while. Again, I am just not really enjoying the use of it right now and I worry about the content too much sometimes. I frequently begin to post and question myself. But this… I just really need to post about.

I have a friend (well, had) that I have known online for a couple of years. We became friends on IMVU and several months ago, she started playing Second Life. She met a guy there and wanted me to come try it out. So okay, I wanted to give Second Life a real shot – maybe make some products there and actually have people to talk to. So I went and it’s been a lot of fun.

A couple of weeks later, I find that she’s leaving behind her boyfriend of many years, her family and even her son to go live with this guy she met on the game. Well I had a very hard time with this. Okay sure.. it’s not my life or anything, but I couldn’t imagine raising a child for that long and just walking away like that. She said she wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be a mom and yet had lots of happy pictures of her and her son all over MySpace and I know I wasn’t the only person who frequently heard stories about her kid.

The guy treats her like shit. I believe when she tells me he screams at her all the time because I know how he speaks to me. He’s very disrespectful and constantly belittles me – so I can just imagine the way he speaks to her in private. So I’ve got a real issue with him. Topping it off, she moved to live with this guy and he didn’t even have his own place. He was rooming with some friend of his who’s apartment he moved her into. And then when things didn’t go right, they moved out and moved in with another of his long time friends who they introduced the game to.

So the guy they move in with starts putting a lot of real life dollars into the game. He puts in a lot of money towards himself but them as well for land and other stuff. Because he’s put so much real money into it, he’s naturally become protective of what he owns and does within the game. Well something happened… and he was being severely disrespected despite allowing this guy and my friend to live in his home for practically nothing (seriously.. $100/mo to help with the bills). The guy didn’t like the way his friend was running a business that was his own and apparently it caused a real fight and screaming match there.

So now my friend and her boyfriend have left the area and left behind land that needs to be paid for – and guess who’s responsibility that will become. Oh yes.. the guy they moved in with in real life. They picked up everything that belonged to them in the game including a good sized mall in which people were renting stalls out of to display products. They haven’t been refunded… just left screwed over in the end out of real life money. Things that were to be mine were taken out of the area in which I rent to store my belongings and I basically had to pack up my stuff.

Then I find out that they have been asked to move out of where they are living in real life because of her boyfriend’s attitude and inability to be respectful. And I don’t blame the guy they moved in with at all on that one. They aren’t going to have internet access and I’m pretty sure they won’t be coming back.

On the one hand, I do feel sorry for my friend because I know none of what is happening right now really has anything to do with her. That said, she picked this guy and she continues to let him treat her like shit. I know, I know.. I’ve been there and you would think I would show a little empathy, but I can’t. Sure I left my now ex husband and moved in with other people – but I also took my daughter. I didn’t move to be with some guy I met online. That’s not how that works.

I was already having a difficult time being her friend based on her decisions. I mean… there is being a friend and then there is completely ignoring your feelings, logic and understanding of how the world is supposed to work. I don’t think I am comfortable continuing to be her friend while she continues to express such destructive behavior. It isn’t to say she’s a bad person… her behavior is just inexcusable and she’s not the kind of person I need as a friend in my life right now.

Everyone’s been asking me how Patches is doing and I suppose it’s time for an update.

Patches fits in all too well around here. She’s quickly picking up some of Cinders’ bad habits (figures) but she’s still stinkin’ cute! She’s growing so fast and I can’t believe how much she’s eating.

Patches has picked up on Cinders’ wet food feeding time. So now when Cinders gets his can of wet food, she thinks it’s time for her to get one too. So now I am feeding both cats a can of wet food at 5pm (kitten patte for Patches and regular for Cinders). But I don’t do it fast enough for Miss Patches… oh no. She can now jump up to where Cinders gets fed and tries to get in his dish with him and he gets mad and knocks her off the platform.

She’s also taken to crying. She doesn’t meow… she makes a crying noise and it makes me so sad. If I lock the cats out of my bedroom at night so I can sleep and I come out early in the morning, she’ll come to me and cry because she wants to come snuggle in bed with me. So about 6am every morning, I take Patches with me and we snuggle for a little while.

For whatever reason, Patches is skiddish randomly during the day. It doesn’t matter how slowly you approach her, she runs off and doesn’t want to be touched. I’m not sure why she’s doing it and it’s not all the time.

Cinders is getting more rough with Patches as she gets older. They are wrestling harder and playing harder. But it’s a good thing – Patches needs to learn to fend for herself and where her place is here. That said, Patches is a little instigator! She is constantly popping Cinders and running off or swatting at him when he’s trying to relax. He put up with it the first couple of weeks but that is sooo over.

But yet… they love each other and snuggle together during the day.

What a crazy day it’s been with Hailey. We’ve had SO much fun!!!

Charlie bought Hailey a new coloring book, so Hailey and I sat at the kitchen table and colored. Okay that’s a lie. I did most of the coloring. Hailey took the crayons and lined them up repeatedly and traded me colors so she could line them up again.

But I did get her to hold a crayon and together we wrote out her name and her numbers! (Ignore the funny zero.. she moved her hand as we wrote haha). “Twooooo….  siiiiix…. niiiiiiiiine…. treeeeee” Haha Okay so she sorta gets it.

Then she helped me put the crayons back in the box when we were done. I love how helpful she is. She always wants to help put stuff away.

We plopped down on the couch and I pulled up Shrek on demand and we watched and played. She watched the whole movie with me, snuggled and sipped her water. Unfortunately, she’s not feeling well (you probably notice from the pictures she looks a bit pale). As her grandfather handed her to me this morning, she sneezed and gobs of green snot spewed from her little nose. “Allergies” he claims. Glad he’s not a doctor. She’s sick again. Okay I get it… children with autism are typically sick more often. I understand she also does suffer from allergies and that together, those play a significant role in her constant state of illness.

But thick, green goo coming out of her nose? That raspy, thick cough she gave this morning (and several times since)? That’s not allergies. That’s an infection – likely viral and it will need to just run its course. And that’s cool… I mean, kids get sick right? But I wish they would stop calling it allergies. Does it irritate me that she’s been constantly sick in their care? Of course… because I don’t want my baby sick. But I understand it happens and she’s around a lot of children when she’s in day care 9 hours a day – every day.

Anyways…

After Shrek, we had some lunch and Sam is over with her 4 children circus so I thought maybe Hailey would like to go play with the girls. She hasn’t seen them in such a long time and she used to have so much fun with them. So I brought her over.

She shared a chair with Heaven (the eldest) while the other girls all had a donut (excluding little Autumn who is barely over 1 year old and looks so hilarious running around on her wobbly little legs). Hailey had a couple of crackers and sat happily, munching. But then all of the girls were given juice boxes. I’m not even sure if Hailey should have had any (I mean.. it’s just Hi-C right and once isn’t gonna kill her?) but luckily (and unfortunately) she didn’t understand the concept of the little straw and that she shouldn’t squeeze the box and so juice flew out all over her little shirt (thank goodness Hi-C is practically clear) and then I decided maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.

I brought over Hailey’s sippy cup and let her drink that instead and sent her off to play with the other girls. Little did I know that I was in for total heartbreak.

I forget how different Hailey is a lot… until I see her paired up against other children her age and younger. Heaven is 6 and a bit rowdy… but the other girls are too now as they are all growing up so fast and leaving Hailey way behind. I remember last year at Thanksgiving when Hailey was a little behind, but it wasn’t so bad. It was hardly even noticeable then.

And can you believe this is my baby a year ago!?

But today… *sigh* Even little Autumn is just a little over 1 year old and she seemed to understand better what was going on than Hailey did. That’s heartwrenching – to watch your daughter and see how badly she’s aching to understand and be with the other children but just doesn’t quite “get it”.

It was so hard to watch as the other girls ran back and forth chasing, laughing and playing with one another. Hailey slowly would tag along, clutching her sippy cup but running off to do her own thing. I don’t know if she even had any fun. And it made me wonder – is this what it’s like when she’s at daycare? Do her teachers see what I see?

We spent more time playing and a little time watching some Noggin. Poor girl was worn out by then, so I put her down for a nap – but not before covering her whole body in little bandaids. Remember a couple of weeks ago, I complained about getting bitten so much from just standing outside for 15 minutes? Well, she got bit too of course and she’s covered in sores and scratches from it. She’s scratched and picked at them until she’s bled. So I put tiny little bandaids on the big sores with some neosporin and put her down for a nap.

She slept until just about time to get ready to go. But we had a great time and I miss her terribly. I felt really connected to her today.

I am beyond my own comprehension of down right furious right now and I expect it will easily be reflected in my post.

We have 3 cell phones for this family – one for Charlie, one for myself, one for my mother in law. Up until recently, we had 700 minutes to share (I recently reduced it to 550 because we never use more than 200), free night and weekends, unlimited texting and unlimited mobile to mobile (meaning we could call anyone on the AT&T network for free).

Charlie gets an e-mail when the cell phone bill is ready and available to be paid. We usually get it about 2 weeks before it’s actually due. So I went to take a look at it and I was absolutely shocked to see a bill for $163.36. Oh yes… nearly double what it should be. I immediately looked to find out WHY!

My mother in law never uses her cell phone. She complains that it doesn’t work in the house and she uses maybe 2-3 minutes per month. So imagine my surprise when I saw that 785 minutes had been used on it that pay period. And if that isn’t bad enough… 5,629 kb of internet were used on it as well and we do NOT have a data plan on the phones. Internet is available on them, but it is pay as you go.

I’m not stupid. My mother in law doesn’t even know how to text much less use the internet on her phone. I know who did it and I’m pissed. I know damn well that Charlie’s niece was allowed to borrow the phone. I expressed concerns about it early on but because she was taking an out of state trip to Disney World with her church group, I let it go. I was okay with her having a way to get in touch with us and there was an emergency during the trip, so it was worth it then. But I told Ida then that she needed to remind Halie (Charlie’s niece) of how few minutes we have to split between the 3 phones and when she could use them and how. Texting is free! What the hell kind of teenager is she that she didn’t text people!?

I told Charlie that Halie WILL work this debt off. She will be in this house and she will do chores and whatever it is I ask her to do until I’m no longer pissed. Dishes, mopping my floors, dusting every piece of furniture in this house.. oh yes, it will be done.

And Charlie’s mom for whatever reason comes in and yells at Charlie.. like it’s his fault. She’s all pissed because she’ll have to pay for it and it’s her responsibility. We go thirds on the cell phones and hell yes, it’s her responsibility – she let Halie borrow the damn phone! I sure as hell ain’t paying for that. I was against her having it.

I just finally caught a break financially. We’ve been tightening our belts so much to squeeze out every nickle and dime. I finally got the money I need to make everything work and now this crap? Oh hell no. I am not paying for other people’s mistakes.

Remember the post I wrote a while back about The Heart of My Home? It was a blogging contest hosted by Samsung appliances to win a washer and dryer. Well… I didn’t win the washer and dryer but I did win a $75 giftcard to Best Buy which should be here in a couple of weeks. How awesome is that!?

I didn’t even have to think twice about how to use it. The obvious choice is – external drive for my poor computer. It’s full of graphics, artwork done for clients, etc. I really need to reorganize things and get this stuff off of my computer – either by deleting it entirely or storing it elsewhere.

I’m thinking maybe this one? Western Digital – My Passport Essential 250GB External USB 2.0 Portable Hard Drive – Midnight Black I have no idea. It fits the bill. I’d hoped for something cheaper. Maybe I’ll find something on sale at the store.

To quote my husband “Best Buy better not sell super soakers…” Why? Because our animals are misbehaving terribly today! I know.. totally off subject but they are so bad today.

Dinner time is supposed to be a relaxing meal shared with your family – or at least that’s what we strive for in this house despite the chaos of every day life. It helps that we have two cooks in the house as my husband and I both share a passion for it and are able to work side by side to get a meal prepared fast and easy. But not everyone has that option so what I am proposing are some 7 simple tips / tricks to help you make a meal not only quick and easy… but delicious as well!

Tip #1

Be organized. Sounds easy right? Well all moms know it’s not. You’ve got kids and all of their crazy schedules – basketball, soccer, tuba lessons, dance recitals. Who on earth has time to be organized about dinner!? Well now you do. Keep a note pad handy and jot down dinner ideas for the week in it a little bit each day. By the end of the week, you’ll have managed to plan out the meals for the rest of the week!

If you have a plan in mind, there will be no last minute “what on earth am I going to feed these kids!?” moments (I’m all for saving a little sanity where I can).

Tip #2

Stock up on cans of soup. Not only are they fairly cheap, but they can add a great depth of flavor to your cooking and cut your cooking time by half!

I like to buy creamy soups – Cream of Chicken / Mushroom / Celery / whatever else that they’ve got. It goes fantastic with chicken, beef or pork dishes. You can even use the soup as a base for gravy. It cheap. It’s quick. It’s absolutely delicious. Plus it can stretch a buck and if you buy the low sodium versions you can really pay attention to the amount of salt you’re putting in your body.

Tip #3

Assign jobs to your kids! One of the more stressful parts to making dinner is that you have kids running around the house getting into trouble while you’re trying to cook a meal. Get them involved. Let your daughter dig her hands into that meatloaf and mix the ingredients or allow your son measure out some ingredients for you. Sure, it might take a little longer but it’s fun and food tastes so much better with a little love in it!

Tip #4

Never underestimate the power of Rachael Ray’s 30 minute meals (or less in some cases!). Not only are they really that fast, but they are really good. I find most of her recipes are affordable and easy enough for people without much cooking skill to make. So check out the Food Network website and pick out some meals you would like to try.

Tip #5

Do all of your grocery shopping ahead of time. If you do the shopping once a week and buy everything you’ll need, you won’t have to stress out about picking up something for dinner. This means you have everything available at home and ready to go when it’s time to start dinner.

Tip #6

Wash all of your produce when you get home from grocery shopping and store it in proper containers. If you wash everything ahead of time, you won’t need to when it’s time to cook!

Tip #7

My favorite tip. Chop up onion, carrot, celery and green bell pepper in small dices. Mix them well in a bowl and transfer them to an air tight container of some kind (tupperware will do but if you have containers that air can be sucked out of, it’s even better). Store them in the freezer. They freeze well and when you need those ingredients to start a dish, you just take it out of the freezer and break off a piece.

Hope these tips are useful to my readers. We practice these in our own home and they work out great!

This blog is happily written in hopes of winning a French Door Refridgerator thanks to TwitterMoms.com and Samsung Appliances. For more information on how you too can enter, please check out this link.

Oh yes, I am alive. I haven’t blogged in what… 3 days? Funny how people think something horrible must have happened to me. Okay, not “ha ha” funny… weird funny, interesting funny. But no worries, I am alive still.

I can honestly say that I don’t feel like I can enjoy writing here any more. This was supposed to be my own space where I could talk about whatever I want to but I am constantly worrying over content and what certain parties are going to complain about next. I’m not a complete idiot and I understand that Hailey’s grandparents have concerns. But what I don’t understand is their need to come to my blog to see if there is anything else they can try to take completely out of context to use against me in court. It’s not fair. I don’t go to Les’ MySpace and complain about it or Joe’s or Shawna’s. That’s their area. I think everyone is entitled to a little space.

So that’s why I’ve slowed down. Who knows what they are planning to use. So I just haven’t felt like updating (and apparently every time I write a blog, someone actually charges me in order for them to read it and it’s making me very upset). But here’s an update anyways because I believe in free speech and I am a stubborn ass.

Hailey

Had visitation with Hailey on Saturday. For some reason, it felt like it had been months since I’d seen her. In fact, the weekend before that I thought it was time with her and I got really upset when I realized it had only been a week. I don’t even feel like I can discuss my own daughter here any more. If I talk about how I’m feeling, they’ll just run to their lawyer and throw a fit about whatever they come up with. Then someone will have to come here and apparently read the blog for themselves thus costing money, stress and more nonsense.

Sometimes I want to literally just yell at these people. I’m so emotionally drained and it isn’t fair. I don’t know if this was all supposed to be some kind of punishment or what, but I’m tired of it. I served my time.

Hailey and I had a great time nevertheless. It’s been brought to my attention that a complaint was made about Charlie being around Hailey which has me beyond my own comprehension of infuriated. For those that don’t know, it was decided by the judge of the last hearing (against the recommendations of the GAL and well.. pretty much everyone involved) that Charlie be allowed “no significant contact with Hailey”. It wasn’t because of anything he did wrong… the judge decided that Hailey was to have no significant interaction with any male I wasn’t related to or having a permanent relationship with, ie married to.

So fine. No problem. It absolutely destroyed Charlie. He loves Hailey so much. But we’ve followed that rule. Charlie and I are married now and yet, we continue to follow that rule. The only interaction he has with her is when he provides the transportation for visitation and I was told that that was perfectly acceptable. He eats lunch with us and otherwise, he goes next door and stays there. They can’t possibly expect him to not eat here… he lives here! No order can change that. And eating lunch with someone isn’t what I would consider significant contact.

But anyways…

I accidentally brought her back a little early. Charlie usually puts the car seat into the car for me so I don’t have to spend time doing that but he’s working day hours now and he had to leave for work hours before I had to leave to take Hailey back. I usually leave about 6pm because I have to go to BiLo and pick up a money order for child support. I typically get paid late Friday night so it’s just how things work out. But anyways… I got Hailey ready to go a little early because I had to do the car seat. I changed her, fixed her hair and got her shoes back on. Charlie’s mom watched her for a few minutes while I got her seat in the back of the car. I didn’t really look at the time and I guess it didn’t take as long as I was expecting it to. So, we left and we got to Charleston like 20 minutes early. Oops

I got absolutely eaten alive while standing outside, chatting with her grandparents. I knew I’d got bitten but little did I know that I had been bitten 12 times on my left leg and 10 on the other as well as 4 times on my right arm and 3 on my left. Yes.. I wish I were exaggerating. It has been so horrible. I’ve been scratching like crazy and trying hard not to. I hope Hailey didn’t get eaten up too bad. Poor baby girl.

Charlie

Oh my dear hubby. Charlie got an accommodation at work. He even got a little prize for good customer service. That’s great… But I’m totally pissed off because just a few months ago (if even that long ago) he was given the job of training a couple of people and a customer complained about a call and even tho it was completely crap, Charlie was taken off of training people and it goes on his record. So now… he gets an accommodation for good customer service!? I don’t get it. I hate AT&T.

Speaking of AT&T… It’s all going downhill. They are getting less calls and really not doing well. It started with them cutting hours of operation. That’s why Charlie doesn’t work that late shift any more – it’s because they aren’t open during those hours now. Now they are offering people half days, then full days and now weeks of unpaid time off work because they don’t need people working. It’s completely voluntary now, but if enough people don’t take it it will be forced on people.

This really isn’t good. We can’t afford for Charlie to lose his job. I’m really stressed out about it. He’s looking for a different job now and I’m trying to help him. I told him that I don’t care where the job is. It’s time we think outside of the box. Trouble is, we can’t go far. There are so many great opportunities but I can’t leave SC right now. It’s absolutely not an option. And that is really upsetting because if we had Hailey, we could go wherever we wanted and really have a nice life. We’re just really not getting very far being in Cordova. The job market is non-existant and AT&T is the place everyone works. I told Charlie so long as it’s in the state… take it.

Me…

I’m not doing so well. I’ve still not adjusted to my medicine if there is even such a thing as adjusting to beta blockers? A friend of mine told me she’s been on them a long time and has never adjusted. I said I’d give it a couple of weeks before I called the doctor. I know it takes time. But man does it suck in the mean time.

I constantly feel tired. My eyes are sunk in and I have bags under them. And despite feeling so tired, I have been waking up constantly at night. Okay, so some of it is Patches sitting on my head, nipping at my toes or whatever. But most of it is just me waking up. It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s also making certain foods and drinks taste like poo. It started with Mountain Dew and I assumed it was just a weird bottle… ya get those from time to time. But even my tea tastes terrible and some foods don’t quite taste right. This is ridiculous… it’s only 10mg of Inderal. It shouldn’t have such crazy affects on me.

Worse… I don’t even know if my medication is helping. I had such a bad fainting spell last night in the kitchen that it kept happening over and over as I struggled to make my way to a counter for support. It scared me so badly that I started crying afterwards. It’s the worst one I’ve experienced by far. I’m just glad Charlie was here to hold me and make me feel better. And if the medicine isn’t working… then I’m just feeling like shit for nothing. Great.

So basically I’m a zombie and I feel like total crap. I’m stressed out, emotional, tired and nauseated. No… I’m not pregnant. Glad I’m not, but at least if I were I’d have a more appealing excuse for all of this. haha

The Animals

Patches is doing well.. growing like a weed. She’s been in a lot of trouble this week especially. She’s just being a naughty kitty and testing the boundaries. She keeps getting on the dinner table and she knows better. It’s a bad habit that Cinders taught her because he does it too from time to time. She also needs to learn when it’s human sleeping time because she bothers me at night. She just wants so badly to be close to me. She wants to snuggle.. which apparently means sitting on my head or constantly being up at my face. She has slept on my back a few times too. I don’t mind… if she’d just sit still.

Cinders is still doing well with her, although he has been really rough with her the last few days. She’s been super active and Cinders is just like “I’m too old for this shit…” and he knocks her around. I’ve had to fuss at them both to cool it because Patches has gotten hurt. Her own fault… she’s a little instigator.

Flora.. well, she’s just Flora. She eats, she sleeps, she goes outside…. mostly sleeps. She doesn’t really play with Patches. Then again, she doesn’t play much with Cinders either. I think once Patches get a little older and gets out of the “OMG I’m a kitten and I must play all the time!” phase, Flora and Cinders will have more time for each other.

There are just some things I wish my husband would do simply because it would make me really happy. That isn’t to say he doesn’t already make me happy, but I think it might make me feel a little better if he did a couple of what probably seems like stupid activities to him just to make me a little happier.

But on that same note, I’m trying to do things for him to make him happy and I dunno if I’m doing a good job or not. Football season absolutely is driving me crazy. But I’m doing my best to just deal with it because I realize it’s something he really enjoys. But I swear it’s one of the very few things he and I have ever argued about.

For example… He complained that he doesn’t have any Sundays off and he wants to watch football. I even offered to record it for him and he got snotty with me and told me he doesn’t want to actually watch the game – just the highlights. *Scratches head* There must be some weird man/woman communication barrier. He says there is more than one game. Great… I’ll record them all and what I can’t record, I will find someone who can.

But he got mad at me and told me it wasn’t the same thing because he’d already know the score and outcome. Huh? Again… must be a gender barrier. Why can’t he just not look at the score before hand and watch the game? How is this any damn different from watching it live? It’s not like by recording it, the highlights and stuff won’t be there. It’s the same damn game… and he can even fast forward through the commercials!

I don’t get it and no amount of his explaining is going to change that because quite frankly, I really think he’s more angry at his job in general rather than being upset because he’s missing a football game. He can’t say I didn’t try I guess. I was more than willing to record the games and make him dinner and get him all set up so he could enjoy it.

I hate it when he’s being stubborn like this. Because we both know the outcome. We’ll be upset at each other for thirty minutes or so. I’ll be really quiet for a while and so will he until one of us decides to admit defeat / wrong-doing and we’ll tell each other how sorry we are and all will be done and forgiven. Fighting is so silly. Is that even fighting? haha

Anyways… I want him to do something with me that I know he’s not happy about. He’s not even real happy that I’m doing it but he for the most part has let it go. But I want him to participate in it with me. I feel like all of my friends are enjoying something together with their significant others and I’m always the third wheel.

I know, I know… his ex girlfriend used it to cheat on him. I get it. But I do things for him and with him that bring up bad memories for me too. And I really think if I introduced him to a different aspect of it and he spent time with me on it, he’d come to enjoy it. Blah. I just think in this twisted, messed up world we live in, this would take a bit of the edge off for me and we could enjoy spending time together.

I know that was totally vague. I read it again and it sounds weird. haha He’ll know what I’m talking about tho.

Charlie cooks lunch on visitation days so I have more time to spend with Hailey instead of wasting it on cooking. Today, I walk into the kitchen and I smelled something really weird. I’d smelled it before… it was really familiar but unfamiliar in our home.

“What’s that smell?”

It took a while before we figured it out. Charlie wasn’t sure what smell I was referring to until I was eating and I asked him what he’d put into the burgers. He claimed it was only salt and pepper. So I sat slowly chewing my food, trying to figure out why it tasted so differently. Finally Charlie bursts out in excitement and announces that he knows what it is.

It’s real ground beef! It’s not the ground beef in the tube that has been processed to fit in the tube!

Holy crap! That’s exactly what it was. The smell and the taste are so different when it’s fresh. Not that there is anything wrong with ground beef in the tube. I mean.. it’s cheaper by like $3/pound and after the first few times of eating it, it becomes pretty normal to you. But when we were at BiLo a couple of days ago, the fresh ground beef was on sale so we picked some up. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had fresh ground beef since I’ve lived here. haha

I feel like I’m on a never ending emotional rollercoaster. The worst part is I feel like I can’t really talk about it here or with anyone. I feel like no one understands what I’m feeling and if I try to explain it, it’ll just be used against me.

I know Joe and his family are reading my blog. I’ve seen them here countless times and they have made negative comments about it to Hailey’s lawyer who in turn has charged us for reading my blogs. I get why she’s charging… but it’s incredibly frustrating that I’m basically being charged for writing my thoughts.

I’m in such a bad place right now. Charlie asked me this morning if I was excited to get to see Hailey. Of course I am. That will never change. But there is also this tiny part of me that’s in excruciating agony because I know every other Saturday just starts the painful mourning cycle all over again. I’m finding it harder and harder to enjoy my time with her because I know I have to bring her right back. I have to remind myself to stay on the positive side of things although I find it to be so difficult these days.

My heart is hurting today worse than ever. I mean that both figuratively and literally. That made me realize… I’m dieing of a broken heart. This custody battle has taken such a toll on me that it’s affected my health and literally caused my heart to break. One can only mask the pain for so long. Fake smiles are meant to be temporary. I put on mine all too often to get through the time without Hailey until I can pull out my real smile once again.

Charlie repeatedly tells me that he knows of how strong my bond is with Hailey and that no one can ever break it. I try to remember that and remind myself when I feel like I’m forgetting. Hailey’s not forgotten which still amazes me. She’s truly an inspiration. I just hope that I never let her down.